Over the last 7 years I have been through many life changes, personal struggles and traumas. The one thing that has remained constant has been my training and within the last 3 years, competing in figure. Because I was so depressed for so long, beating my body up in the gym and taking my physique to such a level has been the one thing I have been able to direct the negativity in my life towards.

I often find myself getting infuriated when my dedication is questioned or when something affects my training. I feel embarrassed admitting this because I sound like one of those self absorbed, narcissistic competitors I detest so much. The reality is that I am an unselfish person in a selfish sport, and I do feel guilty for my training getting in the way of relationships with friends, my family and partner. I often feel like it is all I have to get me through my hardest of emotional times. But the problem is, I find myself lashing out at times and it is not fair to others. I remind myself constantly that I CHOOSE to put my body through this and use this sort of self-induced abuse to heal my current internal abuse. Sounds sick doesn’t it? (laughing)

I cannot expect others to understand that it is more than just wanting to look a certain way, more than wanting to compete in an aesthetically driven competition but rather, it is my medium of therapy. Perhaps part of all this is a dependency I have created. There is more to it than that, but I accept it is an element.

The point is, I need to keep in perspective that most people will not understand the deep layers to my training to compete in a physique sport and even if they did, they most likely WOULD NOT CARE! I need to remind myself that the close people in my life love me and just want to see me succeed and be happy … however that can be attained. Nobody is questioning why I am competing, so why feel it necessary to explain how training for figure is a redirection of my current internal conflicts? If that is the reason, I could always get real therapy. It is easy to fall into the “nobody understands, nobody cares” cry baby mentality and I refuse to let myself sit in it. I do what I want to do and people don’t question it, just support it… at least, those that matter.